Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
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