the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
