Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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