my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
