My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
