Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
