he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
