1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
