can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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