He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
