Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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