don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
