Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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