At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
