8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
