I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
