phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
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im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
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My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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