this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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