yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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