My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
