I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
