I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
