I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
