Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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