to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
