you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
