You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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