She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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