his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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