woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
