I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
