Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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