He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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