did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
