a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
