He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
3 2 1 whiskey
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
