i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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