i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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