now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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