we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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