I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
