My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
