dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
