you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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