just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
