We're like a lot better than the average bears
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
