Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
