So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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