Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
