They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
BRING THE BAGELS
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
