Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
