how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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