Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
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I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
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Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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