You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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