Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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