I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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