He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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