I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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